What is important in America (as told by the narrative of magazines at a Wal-Mart)

I found myself in Wal-Mart this afternoon for reasons I won’t even begin to explain. I’m hopeful that no one saw me get out of my car that has bumper-sticker on it which says “Wal-Mart: Source for all of your cheap plastic crap.” Anyway, when Will and I got up to the counter, I looked over the magazine rack and I was struck enough by this to take a picture with my phone:

Maybe I’m just a little punchy or something, but there’s something rather striking, funny, and disturbing to me that the “news” stand at America’s leading retailer tells this story, as far as I can tell:

• Angelina’s all-important baby is apparently a boy.
• Right after she gives birth, I’ll bet she gets right on the tummy flattening routine.
• Jennifer, despite her forlorn look, is coping, undoubtably because her tell-all book will be on sale soon.
• Brad, though absent, is apparently a given.
• Besides A & J and a flat stomach, even more sex tips and a nice garden/patio set-up are worthy desires.