I am supposed to be working but I was just scanning through Boing Boing’s entry on the Jesusphone— oops, I mean the iPhone. People are obviously collectively drugged stupid on Apple’s excellent marketing, but the reviews generally seem enthusiastic to say the least.
While I do want one of these things, that’s not going to happen for a while. I bought a new cell phone a couple weeks ago, a purchase in which I was COMPLETELY ripped off and an example of being an idiot for not doing a little more shopping. In any event, I’m locked into a two year contract, and that’s okay because I don’t have any problems with Verizon. Plus I for one am interested in seeing the second or third generation of the iPhone that will inevitably come out within the next eight to 12 months, one that will probably include more memory. Plus I’m pretty sure my wife would respond to the suggestion that I buy one of these $600 phones with the $100 a month service plan would be “over my dead body.”
Still, I am pretty sure that my next phone/iPod will be one of these things.
As a sidenote: I wonder if Apple will market something like the iPhone that isn’t, well, a phone? I mean, as it is, the iPhone can connect to a wifi network for doing various internet things. Hypothetically, I don’t see why one would have to have a phone and/or a service plan in that device, as long as a user would be happy with getting online only via wifi. I’d almost rather have just that device than one that is also bogged down with a phone.
10 reasons why Apple is ripping people off with their iPhone
10th) There is absolutely nothing new technology wise about this product. I don’t think anyone has really realized that their computers and phones now days can do the exact same functions. “But wait!” you might exclaim. “This is completely different. It’s all in one small portable device that has easy access and use.” And for that comment, I would have to ask for your share of the cut Apple is giving you to regurgitate lines such as that, as your lack of creativity screams swindle me out of house and home. Look numb nuts, I don’t know what alien race dropped you off here so that you could pollute our brain waves, but please, go stick your head in a blender.
The reason why that is such an asinine comment, in case your still attempting to read this article, is because this phone is an inevitability. I could have thought of this idea in a drunken stupor, and the only thing that would have limited me in beating Steven Jobs to the market would have been money, workers, the technological know-how to create the damn thing, and idioitic consumers such as yourself. Want to guess which one would be the hardest obstacle in my way?
9th) Rich pompous pricks. Yep, I mean you. “I had to buy the iPhone to show off to all my coworkers on how cool I am. I lack any personal taste or style and follow every major trend to keep convincing myself that I’m not all alone sucking my thump each night as I cry myself to sleep.” If there is a hell, one of the seven circles has got to be sitting in a line outside of an Apple store waiting for it to open while the girl in front of you sings to the latest Lindsey Lohan song and the guy behind you is extra tubby and only eats refried beans. And, of course, talks about nothing except the stupid thing he’s about to buy.
See, the problem is that the only people who will actually have the phone will be total dicks about it. And guess what, you just signed up for the very limited time offer of being part if that illustrious group. I’m sure your parents are proud.
8th) It’s a cheap, two dollar hooker. See, what most critics and media reviewers don’t understand about any new product, be it the iPhone or a new juicer (now able to juice Wisconsin’s finest cheese!) is that the first product will have its faults. Lots of them. But, like any product actually worth buying, in a few years the price will drop, the problems will be dealt with (even if not really fixed), and the people who learned to wait and watch will be rewarded with a better deal. However, in our ego inflated, compulsive country we live in, each new toy is a must have. “Never mind the kids’ health care, honey. I got to get me one of those.” Yes, sadly this mentality has lead to the destruction of many a perfectly happy family. Luckily, there is a hotline to help out children in serious financial aide because their parent whored them out to raise the money to buy an iPhone. Oh wait, I lied.
7th) It’s still a half-assed piece of equipment. As with every serious product on the market today, it is guaranteed to run into several fatal errors and have to be replaced in a couple years time. That’s just good business sense. However, the real problem lies not in its ability to dysfunction at a certain time, but rather the lack of an attempt to actually make it something worth keeping. Their is nothing in this device that will make anyone wish to have it after a few short years, other than sentimental value and that loan you took out to pay off the monthly bills it generated. The concept of even making a product that lasts completely escapes anyone who designed it. And for that matter the attention span of toddlers.
6th) The iPhone will not get you laid. Sorry, fellas, but Apple scrapped the idea of including a blow up doll in the original design.
5th) Apparently, it’s nickname is the “Jesus Phone.” Two things I wish to point out here. The first, don’t ever call it the “Jesus Phone.” Second, this might be the very reason why LSD was created; so that people could feel so messed up as to believe that the coming of the messiah can be personified in a three-by-six inch square that happens to play my favorite music. Because, short of hallucinogenic drugs, I fail to see the connection. But don’t fret, you can buy your savior too (while limited supplies last).
4th) It’s much like the Comcast slogan. Your phone calls won’t change any; they’ll just cost more. Except if they don’t actually work as well as your old phone. Then you’re screwed.
3rd) It is now possible to watch pornography on your phone. Wait a second, I might need to step out for a second to my nearest Apple store. ‘Cuse me a few seconds.
2nd) Having your Mom call you while in the middle of watching pornography on your phone. And, apparently, your dad. Damn three way calling.
1st) At the end of the day, all you really bought was a Mac.
Hmm… I think someone else has a little iPhone envy….
I’m writing this on an iPhone in Ann Arbor…
I could see how this might take practice